Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Mayor's Weather Event Guide. Coles Notes Edition.

When faced with a major weather event, keep this shortlist handy. The full guide can be found somewhere within city records somewhere, but what mayor has the time to read? Instead keep this one-page list handy as a quick reference guide.

Remember: There's a fine line between being a leader and making people dependent on you. You must teach the core principals of self-reliance and independent thinking. Follow these steps with that thought foremost in your mind.

Weather Event Coles Notes - For Mayor's Eyes Only

  1. If forecasts call for a major event (E.g. an ice storm) several days in advance, do not formulate an emergency response plan. Do not update the populace as providing them information may cause a panic. People in a panic will run out and empty store shelves as they build up supplies. It is absolutely critical that you have first crack at liquor, beer and drug-house merchandise. If anything, take this opportunity to build up your own emergency supply. (In the hours leading up to the event, take the opportunity to get absolutely blotto. You will not have much time once the event hits. Enjoy yourself while you can.)
  2. Do not prepare any city resources in advance. This encourages laziness in your staff. A sharp crew has to think on their feet.
  3. Lead by example, take care of your own family first. And second and third and fourth. Then deal with the city.
  4. If a widespread power outage occurs, move your family into an expensive hotel. A man of the people cannot be seen to be taking $85 a night rooms away from his fellow citizens. Take the expensive option, the poor will thank you. The rich will be inspired by your selfless example.
  5. Contradict and disagree with city staff. Appearance of effective government teaches dependance.
  6. During press conferences, do not know the answers. Guess. Teach people to rely on themselves and investigate the solutions themselves. For cripes sakes, they have the Internet and the city pays for libraries. Don't make them rely on you.
    • Always be late for press conferences. A busy leader has a hectic schedule. Do not appear to be readily available, especially to the press. They're not doing anything to help, so feel free to waste their time.
  7. To appear to be an effective leader, show that you are taking some action. Find the hardest working crews in the city and pose for photo opportunities with them.  
    • Note for male mayors: Do not pose with women. Doing so may remind people that you are staying home, while women are out saving the city. This is bad for your image.
  8. User your own situation as a barometer on whether to declare a State of Emergency. If you are safe and sound, assume everyone else is.
Above all: Do not ask for help. This causes other people to take charge and start offering solutions. Control the situation, the only person that can decide your level of usefulness is you. It's your image at stake here, own it.

3 comments:

Ken Breadner said...

MASTERFUL.

Anonymous GTA Mayor said...

I'm concerned I won't do enough to promote the good work I am doing. Do you have any other tips that will help promote the good news that the voters so desperately need?

Catelli said...

Certainly AGM,

When meeting with residents of your great community, give them a token of your esteem for them. A promotional fridge magnet for instance. It could be used to hang a list of emergency shelters on their fridge. When they look at that list, it reminds them that you were there to commiserate and you were also a shoulder to cry on.

A little riskier perhaps, but you could hold daily press conferences to update people on the situation. But it may be difficult to be vague enough to inspire self-reliance if you do this too many days in a row. Use your own good judgement if you decide to use this approach.

Cheers!